The Roy Mustang Guide To Life
by jacksparrow589
Summary: A compilation of Royai oneshots that will hopefully make you laugh out loud, this is something that's been in the works since... a long time. Somewhat OOC just because things happen that aren't very likely but are generally crazy, but no lemon. Pre ep 25.
1. How To Train Your Dog

**About time I posted something! Geez! I need to type up more of my stuff! And WOW! jacksparrow589's writing something with multiple chapters! Granted, they won't necessarily flow together, but they'll be funny (I hope, I hope)!**

**A/N: Warning: If you do not appreciate borderline crack-fics, click the back button NOW. Craziness ensues from here on out!**

"Hey, Hawkeye- I'll watch Hayate while you go to that meeting," Roy volunteered one pleasantly bright afternoon.

Riza looked confused as to why the Colonel would even volunteer to watch her puppy after he had been caught swearing at (and almost torching) the poor thing at least twelve times in the past month. She raised an eyebrow. "Are you quite sure you want to do this, sir?"

Roy nodded quickly. "Absolutely positive. Nothing to worry about. Have fun now. Bye-bye!" He all but shoved Hawkeye out the door.

"If you need anything, just ask-" Riza was interrupted rather rudely by Roy's comment.

"Fuery, I know! Bye now!" Roy shut the door and leaned against it. Looking down at the puppy, he smiled like a maniac. "Alright, Hayate. Time to show me what you know."

Hayate whimpered and buried his nose in his paws. Whatever the tall, dark-haired friend of his master had in mind for him was clearly not going to be fun.

"Hah! No you don't, you little rascal…" Roy dove under Hawkeye's desk for the cowering canine.

"Hey, Chief!" Havoc called. "What's- okay… where's Hawkeye? And… why are _you_ taking care of the- what was it you called Hayate? Ah!- vicious little devil you utterly despise?"

Roy shrugged. "Eh. Felt like it. I do like dogs, after all."

Breda choked on his laughter. "Could've fooled me with how you act sometimes."

"You can't blame it _all_ on _me_!" Roy protested. "He's a little rascal, like I was saying!" He turned back to the puppy and picked him up. "You and I are going to have a lot of fun, boy. Oh no you… Not so fast!" Roy grasped Black Hayate again as he tried to jump into Fuery's arms.

"If I may, sir, um…" Fuery did not quite know if he should say it.

"Out with it, Fuery!" Roy commanded as Hayate's struggles got stronger and stronger.

"Heneedstogotothebathroom!" Fuery burst out.

"He wha-? Oh _dammit_!" Roy cried as Hayate got loose and ran over to the pad Riza had provided. He sighed when he realized that that was the only place Hayate was going. That, and his "bed"- really just a ratty blanket Hawkeye had folded up and placed beneath her desk.

About an hour later (making three hours total), Hawkeye returned.

Roy, however, did not notice this. "Miserable little sonuva- _**Sit!**_" He roared, snapping before he realized what exactly he was doing.

Hayate ran, whimpering. He hid behind Riza's legs. Of course, Roy did not realize this, either. That was, until he was about to snap.

Riza cleared her throat, and the room fell silent. "Colonel, mind telling me why you're trying to terrorize my puppy?" She drew her gun, not moving from the doorway. "If there's anything you've ever wanted to do, I'm giving you ten seconds. _Begin._"

"Butbutbut-! IwasjusttryingtotrainHayateandhegotannoyingpleasebelieveme!" Roy pleaded. He could see this was not going anywhere pretty, and _fast._ "Hawkeye-!" He gasped and pointed over to the side. "_**Look!**_"

He was surprised she fell for one of the oldest tricks in the book, but he was able separate gun from sharpshooter in a matter of milliseconds. For good measure, he pinned her to the wall. It was a pretty nice body tackle, too, as Havoc pointed out, causing Hawkeye to make rather graphic threats and also causing Roy to construct a few of his own.

It was Breda who then pointed out that Hawkeye had no gun, and that they had not exactly moved, so they must be enjoying it…

Needless to say, when the carnage had ended, Hawkeye and Mustang were starting to feel like teaming up, despite the differences over a cute little puppy, was looking like the right thing to do, especially when it came to their coworkers making comments that, while they spoke out against military rule, were quite accurate.

So accurate, that, after making sure that Breda and Havoc were not in critical condition, they took a nice, leisurely stroll in the park and had dinner together. Roy even earned himself one heck of a good-night kiss.

All in all, just a normal day for Roy Mustang and his subordinates.

**A/N: Needless to say, these are not going to be serious at all, and are purely for my own enjoyment, if you enjoy them in any way, shape, or form, please REVIEW!**


	2. How To Throw Birthday Parties

**Summary: It's everyone's favorite short alchemist's birthday, and Roy and co. decide to get in on the celebration. Anime-based.**

**And just so you all know, these first two were actually written about six months ago, but I didn't have an account then, so I could not post them, and thank God, because they needed major editing!**

"So, Hughes, what's the pastry box for?" Roy asked slyly.

"Roy, have you forgotten? It's Ed's birthday! Gracia made him a cake, and we're gonna throw him a party! Gracia's even going to bring the other birthday child in!" Maes's eyes started sparkling.

"_Other_ birthday child?" Roy raised an eyebrow.

Hughes almost fainted on the spot. "My darling daughter, Roy! How could you be so stupid? Honestly, the fact that you can't remember my own child's birthday… It makes me sick!"

By this time, Roy was backed up against the wall. Knowing that Hughes was about to go into a full-fledged rant, he thought of excuses that Maes could not refute. He decided on the least likely one of all: "Well, heh, look at the time! I've got to be doing my paperwork now! Later!"

* * *

The day just kept getting stranger. 

When Roy got back to the office, he found all of his subordinates tacking up streamers and a sign that said 'Happy Birthday Edward and Elysia!', not to mention pushing the desks off to the sides and bringing the chairs to the middle.

"I suppose it would be stupid to ask what you're doing," Roy surmised, surprising the other five.

"Right as usual, chief," Havoc chirped.

Roy surveyed the room. They actually were not doing a bad job of the decorating, but he remembered that it was Elysia's birthday, too, and Hughes would have their heads if anything was out of place. Even so, he was surprised that Riza was condoning this, though she did have a soft spot for the Elrics.

A few minutes after they finished, Gracia and Elysia arrived, escorted by Maes. Ed and Al followed quickly, Ed wondering aloud why the heck he was being called into the office today.

The sight of a party nearly gave him a heart attack. However, his stunning wit was soon in action, and he asked, "So, no baby delivery this year, right?"

Everyone went silent and looked at Gracia. She shook her head. "Not from me."

The silent glances all went instinctively to the only other woman in the room. Riza blushed and stood up. "Do I _look_ pregnant to any of you?" she asked in that deadly tone she generally reserved for paperwork threats.

All at once, people engaged in their previous conversations until it was time for the cake. The candles were all placed, but Havoc was fresh out of matches. Before anyone could suggest anything else, Roy yanked on a spark glove, smirked, and snapped.

When the smoke cleared, it was revealed that little bits of cake were flung around the room. Elysia was crying, Ed was fuming, and Maes looked ready to hurt someone, namely one Flame Alchemist.

Roy stood at the center of it all. Selecting a crumb from his hair, he sampled it. "Um… yummy? Nice cake? Please don't hurt me?"

* * *

"_Roy Mustang, get back here and apologize!_" Maes yelled as Roy scrambled out of the room. 

Everyone stared blankly for a few moments. Ed finally managed to question, "Um, Lieutenant Hawkeye, are you going to do something about this?"

Much to everyone's surprise, she smiled. "I am; I'm watching."

Ed choked out a surprised laugh. "I'm guessing this has something to do with paperwork."

"There is that… and this _was_ my only clean uniform besides my dress uniform." She sighed. "One of these days, he's going to learn not to be so impulsive."

Ed snorted. "Yeah. That'll be the day."

Roy screamed like a little girl as one of the knives Maes threw took off a few hairs. He quickly looped around and ran back into the room, hiding and quaking behind a still-cake-covered Riza. "Hide me!" he squeaked. "Don't let the scary man kill me!"

"Well, sir, if you were a bit less… in a hurry to do things, maybe things wouldn't turn out this way." She attempted to step away, but Roy clung to her coat. "Please, sir, be a man."

"Yeah," Ed jeered, "you're acting like a girl!... Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course," he added quickly as Roy and Riza glared at him.

"They do make quite the couple, though," Maes snickered. "Am I right? I mean, come on! Look at them in that embrace and tell me they wouldn't be just _perfect_ for each other!"

Riza and Roy automatically jerked away from each other, blushing and denying any other relationship aside from work and friendship.

As they did so, Breda and Havoc exchanged sly looks. In one smooth move, Havoc was on his knee, dramatically proposing to Breda, who was evidently posing as Riza. In an unnaturally high-pitched squeal, Breda accepted and tried to suffocate Havoc.

* * *

A few minutes later, Breda's screaming was natural, as was Havoc's while they ran around the complex, dodging flames and bullets. When they managed to lose the angry pair, they stopped to catch what little breath they could.

As a several bullets and flames whizzed past them, they started off again. They went not even four steps through the next set of double doors when they smashed into a solid wall of muscle and pink sparkles. Both saluted quickly and cowered behind the Major.

"Save us, please!" they whimpered.

The muscled man first looked thoughtful, then smiled. "Go on; shoo," he instructed.

Without a second thought but with a hardy, "Thank you so much, Major!" both men dashed off.

Roy and Riza rounded the corner not a second later, furious and ready to kill. Both advanced on Major Armstrong. They stood inside the door frame, looking right and left down each hall, then down the one in front of them.

"Where'd they go, Major?" Roy demanded.

"I'll tell you, but only if you follow tradition," he offered.

"Tradi… you're _joking!_" Riza cried as Armstrong indicated the tradition.

Roy gazed around wildly, then spotted the offending greenery. "No way in _hell_ am I-"

Armstrong turned to go. "My offer still stands. Will you or will you no-" He broke into a smile.

Roy's lips were pressed against Riza's for the briefest of seconds. Both pulled away in synch. Armstrong quietly led them down to a closet at the end of the hall, then turned to leave. Roy grabbed his sleeve.

"Ah-ah-ah, Major; You're next."

**END!**

**A/N: Yeah… If I remember correctly, Ed's birthday in the anime was during a snowstorm. Snow gives us winter, which gives us Christmas (though it doesn't exist in the alchemy world, but work with me here), which gives us… MISTLETOE!**

**And thank you to my five reviewers (as of the last day of April)! You all deserve happiness and joy showered upon you at the most opportune moment!**

**As an incentive to review (for everyone), if you give me an idea, I might write it! I'm angling for about ten, four of which (including this one and the first) have been and/or are being written. As for the other six, I have NO clue what to use, but I already have The Guide To Having Picnics and The Guide To A Happy Ending (aka: The Guide to Lighting Fireworks).**


	3. How To Have A Picnic

It was that time of year again. The time when Roy Mustang and his subordinates would venture to the park on a weekend to have a picnic.

This year was no different.

Fuery was throwing the ball for Hayate to fetch, Havoc, Breda and Falman were in a debate over how exactly one should go about wooing the young lady they had passed on the way in, Riza was reading a book, and Roy was valiantly attempting to get everyone up for a game of Frisbee.

The only one joining in was Hayate. He had missed the ball after Roy's frustrated Frisbee throw bounced off a nearby tree and happened to fly right into his mouth. He bounded back to Roy with the fun new toy and laid it at his feet, waiting for another throw.

Roy pretended to throw the Frisbee, and sure enough, Hayate ran off. Walking over to the picnic blanket, Roy sat down beside Riza.

"You shouldn't trick Hayate like that. He won't trust you anymore," she admonished gently.

"You saw?" Roy asked.

Riza looked up at him, her eyes as sharp and as focused as ever.

Hayate chose that moment to come running back, ball in his mouth, and tackled Roy to the blanket.

"Hayate! Down!" Riza ordered, looking worried. The dog obeyed and she held her hand out to pull Roy back up. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. I just have mud all over me. I'll wash it off later."

It was then that the sprinklers popped up. All of them managed to make it out of the way of the water before it hit them, but Hayate ran back in before Riza could get a leash on him.

"Hayate!" called Riza. "Hayate! Come back!" She bit her lip. Getting wet was not exactly something she had planned to do.

But she had to do it. Wrapping her jacket tightly around her so that she could protect her blouse, she tried to run through when the water was not toward her. Despite that, when one jet hit her face and she temporarily could not see, she started getting soaked. She let go of her jacket with one hand to clear her eyes and keep water off her face until she was able to grab Hayate. Leaning against a tree just out of reach of all the spray, she sighed.

"What's the matter?" Havoc called. "Aren't you coming back?"

"I'm not turning this into a wet t-shirt contest!" Riza snapped, blushing and causing a few of the others to blush, too. "I don't have enough hands to hold everything I need to!"

The men looked around, trying to come to a silent consensus, or at least attempting to figure out how to turn off the water. Roy rolled his eyes and carefully began winding his way through the warping maze.

Finally, upon reaching Riza, he held out his hand. "Keep your eyes closed. Hold Hayate's leash and your jacket with one hand."

Riza did as she was told.

When they finally were out, Hayate began shaking all the water off. Breda moaned about the germs Hayate's water probably had in it, while Riza faced a more serious problem: her soaking jacket, and the blouse under it.

_Of all the days I wear a __**white**__ blouse…_

"Here." Roy held his jacket out to her. "It's got mud on it, but it's dry."

Riza accepted the jacket and wrapped it around her as quickly as possible. Everyone was looking away when she finished buttoning it up. Sensing the thick awkwardness, she announced, "I guess I'll go back to my apartment and change."

"I think I'll call it a day, actually," Roy told them. "What do the rest of you think?"

Everyone quickly agreed, and Riza got the feeling that the next few days would be full of strange looks, and the next time it was raining when she came in… she did not want to think about that.

Sighing, she began the trek home.

* * *

"Lieutenant!" Roy seemed surprised (though somewhat pleasantly so) when she showed up at his apartment that evening. "What brings you out here?" 

Riza held out the jacket. "I felt bad about today, so I cleaned it and decided to bring it over."

Taking it, Roy gestured for her to come in as he explained, "You didn't need to. If I hadn't wanted to get you out, I wouldn't have."

"I just came by while walking Hayate. I should really go back," Riza started to turn, but Hayate jerked forward, and this time, Riza held onto the leash. Caught off-guard, she was jerked toward Roy, landing in his arms as he attempted to catch her.

Both stumbled for a moment, attempting to right themselves. When they finally stopped, Roy's hands were at Riza's waist as he steadied her. They were pressed against each other, looking into each other's eyes.

_Oh, Hayate, why'd you have to…?_ She did not complete the thought because Roy kissed her.

He pulled away rather quickly –she made no move to continue or end- and whispered, "Thanks."

In the same tone, she replied, "You're welcome. Good night." She turned and left.

As soon as she was down the street, she stopped and stooped to pat Hayate. "I don't know what possessed you to do that, but I have to give you props. Just don't do it again."

Hayate yipped, as if to respond, then trotted off, tail wagging and head held high.

**End**

**A/N: Thanks to Danelle, who pointed something out, leading me to this omake:**

**THE LAST ONESHOT'S METHOD OF MATCHMAKING HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG LINE FOR **_**GENERATIONS!**_

**Yeah, not great, I know, but still… I thought it was a good idea at the time…**

**Thanks to all my reviewers! Keep on doing what you're doing! It makes me happy. :)**

**Next time, it will be either the guide to babysitting (Elysia, of course!) or spring cleaning, whichever I finish first.**


	4. How To Babysit

**The Roy Mustang Guide to Babysitting**

**Summary: Babysitting Elysia isn't **_**nearly**_** as easy as it would seem…**

Roy Mustang had a headache, and a pounding one. Elysia Hughes would not stop crying, and he really did not know why. The three year old always greeted him with a hug and a happy giggle, as she had that night.

Sitting here on the couch, a good two hours later, he had tried every method to get her to stop crying, having been at it for a half-hour straight. He never knew kids could cry so much, and he certainly did not know what to do with her.

He got up off the couch and went to the phone. _Maybe she'll know… I hope._ "Lieu- ah, Riza, I need your help. Very, _very_ badly…"

TEN MINUTES LATER

"Sir, I have absolutely no skill whatsoever with children. What makes you think I can do this?"

"I have confidence in what you do, Riza. It's the _woman_ I need. And anyway, you actually _do_ have better skills with children than I do."

Sighing, Riza picked Elysia up and began to rock her and bounce her slightly. "It's okay, Elysia. Can you calm down and tell me what this is about?"

Taking a few hiccupping breaths, Elysia sobbed, "I want my mommy and my daddy!" and buried her head in Riza's shoulder again.

"They'll be coming back _soon_," Riza assured the child, making sure to emphasize "soon" as much as possible. "Don't you like Uncle Roy?"

Elysia nodded and wiped her tears with one of her hands. "B-but h-he's not Daddy!"

"Well I'm not your mommy, and you seem to be doing just fine with me," Riza told her, slowly smiling. "In fact, you're doing a wonderful job. I'll be sure to have Uncle Roy tell your mommy and daddy just how good you're being!" She started to hand the girl off to Roy to go, but Elysia clung to her shirt.

"Don't go! Stay until Mommy and Daddy come home! I like it when you and Uncle Roy visit, and since Mommy and Daddy aren't here… I just like it," She concluded, promptly popping her thumb into her mouth.

Roy and Riza exchanged a look. _What do they __**say**__ around her?_ Riza gently sat down on the couch, attempting to disentangle her shirt from Elysia's fingers, but the girl had one heck of a grip.

Taking her free hand from her mouth, Elysia tugged on Roy's pants until he sat, too.

"So… Auntie Riza, how are you?" Elysia asked after a few moments of silence.

Sending another look over the child's shoulder at Roy that clearly said, _My evening was interrupted by you, and now I can't go home and do something else because she's clinging to my shirt, thanks very much,_ Riza let out an almost-exasperated breath and responded, "I'm fine, Elysia."

"_Just_ fine?" Elysia repeated. "I guess that's okay, but… you aren't happy?"

"I-" Riza began, but was interrupted by the little girl.

"Daddy always says that to really be happy, you need someone with you a lot. And I know that the only one who's with you a lot is Hayate… and Uncle Roy, but not as much."

That did it. Riza could feel the heat rise in her face. Thankfully Roy was looking a bit too immersed in the intricacy of the carpet to realize, though he, too, looked like this was something of a surprise.

Before either of them could say another word, Elysia yawned. Thankful for the excuse, Riza put her to bed quickly, as the child simply refused to walk to her room, insisting that she was too tired.

Coming back, she was met by Roy at the door to the living room.

He looked apologetic. "Sorry about this."

Riza shook her head. "I wasn't planning on anything. The walk did me some good anyway."

"Anything I can do to make it up to you?" Roy wanted to know.

"Aside from doing your paperwork on time?" she joked.

"I try!" protested Roy as he attempted to look serious. "Anything else aside from what I really should do? Don't give me that look –I'm not trying to get out of paperwork, I swear."

Thinking for a moment, Riza decided, "Not really. It's really not anything to worry about. I really should leave before you have to admit to Maes and Gracia that you needed my help."

Roy placed a hand on her shoulder. "Thank you. You'll be a great mom when you do settle down."

Riza busied herself with putting on a shoe shoe. "If."

"If…?" Roy was curious now.

Straightening from pulling the shoe on, Riza looked up for a moment to speak. "You have to admit, settling down isn't exactly conducive to our line of work."

Rolling his eyes, Roy gestured with a hand. "Think of whose house this is."

"The house of a desk worker." _Not entirely true, though…_

Roy told her, "I don't intend to make this go on for much longer. You can leave at any time, you know. I won't hold it against you."

Now Riza stopped dead and looked up as though she'd just been accused of slapping Elysia. "I can't; you know that."

A little miffed, Roy retorted, "There's a rather large difference between _can't_ and _too stubborn for your own good_."

"Now if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black."

Both whirled to face the front door. Maes and Gracia stood in it, looking interested, and (in Maes' case) rather amused. Maes walked in and informed Riza, "And I resent being called a desk worker. I prefer 'paper-pusher extraordinaire'. Just so you know," answering the unasked question of just how long husband and wife had been standing in the door. "Now off with you before you're too tired to leave. I assume you both work tomorrow."

With a polite, "Thank you," from Gracia, both were on their way.

As soon as they reached the street, where they had to part ways, Roy grabbed her hand to stop her when she turned. "You weren't going to leave without saying good night, were you?"

Sighing, Riza conceded. "I suppose not. Good night."

Roy tightened his grip to stop her as she turned again. "Riza… just, think about it, okay? You don't have to do what you're doing. In fact, I'd rather you not."

Riza shrugged, a small smile making its way to her face. "Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the people you love."

It was so fast that Riza could have sworn it was her imagination (as she would try to convince herself later as she attempted to fall asleep), but as she blinked for a moment, she thought she felt a pair of lips on her cheek. By the time she opened her eyes, Roy had dropped her hand and was muttering a quick, "Good night," before walking away.

_I do think about it, really, I do. But admitting it blatantly? Not until this is over. Losing you is one risk I refuse to take._

**A/N: Ohmigosh. I babysit this little girl who's almost three and she uses complete sentences and is usually a dream to babysit. Unless she throws a tantrum. I'm drawing on some of the stuff I've done to get her to stop crying. Of course, I don't have help when I do… :(**

**And on a completely different topic, I have NO idea how far apart these guys live. However, I've noticed that cars are used relatively rarely, so I would just assume that the walk to a given place would be no longer than a half-hour at a leisurely pace.**

**If you haven't read the rest of this, PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING: I know this is turning more into romance, but babysitting a cranky 3-year old isn't exactly funny. I promise that the next few will have a bit more humor, though from the reviews, it looks like you guys like this as is. Still, more humor (and romance!) on the way!**


	5. How To Do Spring Cleaning

**The Roy Mustang Guide to Spring Cleaning**

Roy Mustang's apartment was quite clean nine months of the year, but during winter, it became messy. Very, very messy. Winter was a time of hibernation for many animals, when they did nothing but sleep, and occasionally wake to feed. Roy did exactly that, or he would have, if he did not have to work.

Sadly, since just about all he did was eat, sleep, and work because he wanted, like most animals, to hibernate, his apartment tended to show it after a while. Thus, when spring arrived, his apartment _really_ needed some TLC.

His winter habit had grown on him, though. On weekends –when he had them off- he would sleep until ten or even eleven!

Riza Hawkeye, usually the assistant in all of the spring cleaning that went on at his apartment, was usually there promptly at eight in the morning. Thanks to a trick Roy himself had taught her about his apartment door, she could usually get in without waking him.

This particular year, she had decided that she had waited long enough. At nine o' clock sharp, she tapped his shoulder sharply.

No response.

Another sharp tap, maybe?

Not working.

"Come on, wake up," she sighed exasperatedly. "I haven't got all day, you know."

And then the weirdest thing happened: Roy wrapped his arms around her waist.

It was all Riza could do to keep somewhat on balance while settling down on the bed in the space of half a second.

_Then again, if I'd just sat, I'd probably have woken him up. I'll just get him to let me go, then wake him up._

She gently attempted to loosen his grip for a few minutes, not having any success whatsoever. A laugh made her twist and look down. Apparently, he was awake.

And it was more than apparent that Riza was not happy about it.

"Give me a reason not to leave you to clean your own apartment right this minute," she demanded.

Roy's sleepy smirk widened devilishly. "You can't break free."

Riza let out a sharp breath. "Another reason. Now."

"You don't have a gun on you."

Damn. He was right. She had left it in the kitchen when she went for water. "Another."

"You know it'll just stay this way until you help, and you wouldn't let me live in my own filth like that," reasoned Roy.

"I wouldn't have to if I didn't have to make sure you stayed alive now then, would I?" she snapped back.

Uh-oh. If she was making _those_ comments, he had pushed to far. He immediately let go. "Sorry. That was childish of me to push that far. I didn't mean that you're a maid or anything, though everyone knows that you work like one sometimes. A maid _and_ a nanny."

Riza raised a hand. "Just let it go, please. This place needs cleaning before you get sick."

FOUR HOURS LATER

"That's it. We're breaking for lunch." Roy looked up from his dusting momentarily, not a hint of merriment in his face. "And I really will tie you to a chair if it comes down to that. You're taking a break."

Deciding it was better to comply than risk a repeat of that morning, Riza obediently sat in the kitchen as Roy fixed a pair of sandwiches.

She received hers open-faced, and took a moment to examine it before covering it. The words "I'm sorry" had been spelled in mustard. Riza allowed herself to smile. "You weren't thinking clearly when you woke up. I accept your apology, though it would mean more if it was actually spoken and not written on something I'd like to eat."

"Oh believe me, I was thinking quite clearly," Roy told her, still with no hint of joking.

If it had not been entirely in her nature to have little visible reaction to most things, the fact that Riza's expression changed very little (just a hint of pink, a quick and self-conscious look around, and the slight raising of eyebrows) would have made Roy somewhat uncomfortable. As it was, he could never really tell what was going on inside her head. She was one hell of a mystery, and he had known her for just about one third of his life.

"You were, were you?" she asked cautiously at last.

Roy nodded. "I was. Is there anything that leads you to believe otherwise?"

"Other than the fact that you don't usually grab me without letting go, not really," Riza answered evenly, attempting to figure out what was going on.

"Then maybe I should do that more often."

"_Pardon_ you?" Riza could not hide the change in her expression this time. The meaning was perfectly clear.

Looking away, Roy muttered, "Sorry. That wasn't-"

Riza began to interrupt, "No I…" She thought for a moment. "I just didn't think that you found me attractive at all."

"Then you haven't been paying attention."

"I try not to; my work wouldn't get done if I did."

Roy let out something between a laugh and a sigh, leaning back in his chair. "Please. You get your work done by n-" He stopped as he crashed to the floor, having tipped his chair back too far.

Riza gasped and hurried around the table. "Are you okay?"

"Owwww…" was the answer she got. "My head…"

"Where exactly?" she wanted to know.

"The whole back of my head." Roy still hadn't opened his eyes.

Trying not to think of concussions and what one could do, Riza forced herself to ask, "Are you dizzy at all? Short of breath?"

Roy blinked and opened his eyes. "Yeah…" He grabbed Riza's wrist as she staggered to her feet to call a doctor. "But that's the way I get when I think of you."

The pitch of her voice shifted up just a little from embarrassment, even considering just how lame the line was. "Please, be serious. If you're hurt, I need to know."

"No, I'm fine. And even if I wasn't…"

He had been slowly inching himself up off the floor for a while now, and closing the six-inch distance between them was not all that hard.

"…that would've made it all better."

Riza sighed and settled back rather steadily. "We need to get back to work. If you're going to make this place presentable for any company, myself included, it has a long way to go."

It was just a little mean, exploiting those feelings, and it made her just a little guilty, but if she was going to be spending more time there, it really would be nice to have it clean.

**END**

**A/N: Next up: The RIZA HAWKEYE Guide to Proving Yourself. That's right! Riza's the real star for a chapter! Yay!**

**By the way… I'm sorry for not updating sooner. Events far beyond my control occurred, and we'll just leave it at that. HOWEVER, I also have finals coming up in the next few weeks, so I won't be back to regular posting before the second full week of June. Not that I do much in the way of chapter stuff, but just so you know…**


	6. How To Prove Yourself

**The Riza Hawkeye Guide to Proving Yourself**

**Summary: It's Havoc's birthday, and a comment made at the party held for him leads to a rather interesting course of action. A more serious one, even getting just the slightest bit angsty, though I threw a funny moment in there. Let's just say that the art of falling out of chairs is something I bequeathed to a certain character. **

**Also, this one's sorta OOC. I know, I know. Bear with me, PLEASE! This one segues into the next, sort of, so it was necessary.**

It was a little-known fact that Riza Hawkeye actually enjoyed parties, and even more so that she enjoyed the parties thrown by her co-workers.

Havoc's birthdays were some of the best, usually because of how worked up he would get about "Another year without not getting turned down by a girl!"

This was usually followed by sobbing. While everyone would try to comfort the poor man, it was comical to see the way he went to pieces. He would slowly turn into a mass of blubbering man for a while, but then someone would remind him of presents or cake or dinner, and he would immediately brighten up.

Of all years, this was the one that someone decided to point out that Riza had no significant other to speak of, either.

"But it's Hawkeye!" He protested. "She's not romantic!"

The room fell silent as Riza shifted in her seat, her eyes narrowing. "Excuse me, Havoc?"

"You aren't, though!" Havoc was still whining, though he seemed to have lost the conviction he had had. "Not when I'm around, anyway!"

"That doesn't mean I can't be romantic," she pointed out.

Havoc saw his chance. "Then prove it."

Riza had half a mind to tell him that that would technically be acting. However, the rational side of her brain told her that he would just use that against her. She sighed. How to go about this?

She had several options. She did not like any of them. For one thing, there were only military men in the room. For another, she had no idea as to how far she had to go to convince him.

_I need someone who won't get the wrong idea. Someone I've known for a while. Someone who's not Havoc… And I can't be sure about the first one._ She debated for a moment or two, then made her choice. She was likely dooming herself to teasing for the rest of her life (they would find her even if she ran, she was sure), and the thought crossed her mind that fraternization charges could be brought against them. Be that though it was, Havoc's apartment was relatively safe from prying eyes, so she had no case there.

There was no other choice, as far as actually giving proof was concerned. Running was always an option, and a good one at that, but Riza Hawkeye had pride. Her life was not in danger. She would not lose her job -not likely anyway. With no out, she knew she had to act.

Calmly as she could seem, she pushed back her chair and walked over to the only person in her room that would be thoroughly convincing enough, if past interactions were any indication. With a look and a half-sigh that signaled sure doom, she sat herself in Roy Mustang's lap and promptly proceeded to kiss him.

This would have been enough to impress Havoc and the rest of them, and, in fact, it was at the time, but it did not stop with the one slow kiss she gave him. The kisses that followed were proof of the highest order that Riza Hawkeye could be romantic. (One had to wonder if Maes was onto something…)

Finally, when an end had been reached for lack of breath, Kain Fuery had landed on the floor after falling out of his chair in sheer surprise, and the four on-lookers were nursing severe nosebleeds.

"Convinced?" she breathed, still holding Roy's intense gaze with one of her own.

Everyone nodded. Nobody dared not to. Even Roy nodded, though that might have meant something else entirely- she did not know. She could not see straight, think straight, or even walk straight for that matter, though she had attempted only the first two.

"Well, I'll be-" she attempted to raise herself from her seat, but it was Roy who pulled her back down.

The men waited, wondering what the hell they did not know, though Riza seemed just as clueless as them for once. Kain, careful not to make any sudden moves, moved back into his chair.

"Riza, that was…" Roy Mustang, famous for his way with the ladies, was lost for words. Havoc would have celebrated by dancing if this had occurred with any other girl, but it was Riza. One did not mess with circumstances such as these. "I… Would you like to go out some time? And after that? And then again?"

Now they waited for the answer. Riza carefully kept her face blank as she went over her options again, though she did not need to. She had made the unconscious choice a long time ago, partially due to a talk with Gracia. "Yes, Roy. I will be your girlfriend." She almost winced at the word, and Roy did visibly. Fuery fell out of his chair again.

"W…o…w…" Havoc croaked. "I…"

"Attempting to explain things isn't your best course of action right now, Havoc," Riza informed him, walking back over to her seat. "I suggest you forget this night as soon as possible."

Four voices timidly chorused, "Ma'am."

LATER

It was a short walk back to her apartment, but it seemed to take forever. There was still a tense awkwardness between herself and Roy. The way he glanced at her every so often made her feel something in her stomach fizz and spark. It was an amplification of a reaction that had occurred for years in these sorts of situations with him, but Riza still did not have it figured out, and she had the feeling that she did not want to.

"Listen Riza, I-"

"Roy, you know-"

Oh _great_. Regression. That was _really_ what the relationship needed right now. It was bad enough that speaking earnestly was not conducive to their job, but having drifted back to a high-school method of speech was salting wounds, and it stung like hell.

"I have to go. Long day tomorrow. We celebrated too much today." Riza started toward the building again, but Roy caught her hand.

"You didn't mind, did you?" he asked anxiously.

"If I don't like it, I don't do it -you know that by now," Riza chided gently, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. "And, as a general policy, I don't often say what I don't mean, either. Tonight was _not_ an exception."

"Riza I-" Roy stopped himself, looking a little guilty, but also pained. "Good night."

Giving him a small nod, Riza let go of his hand and quickly made for her apartment. She had said it was going to be a long day, but she had that same gut feeling she had had earlier that the night would be even longer.

**END**

**A/N: The line about Roy wincing will play a big part when all of this comes to a head in the end, as well as the second line he stops saying toward the end of this one ("Riza, I-"). Though, if you call yourselves fans of Royai, I hope you've put two and two together by now.**

**Thank you to all my lovely reviewers! Azilie, Silver Mist, winglessfairy25, i'llwait, False-Image, OTP, Danelle, Sabrielle, E. Mahiru, unheardgoodconscience, HunTResS ARasHi, Kurissyma san Tybalt, and Firing Rockets on Dragons. You all have made the writing, editing, and posting of this well worth while! Thanks for sticking with me, and please continue to do so! There's more on the way! (As well as a batch of e-brownies… which I can't burn. Or good foodstuffs of your choice if you're impartial to chocolate, and yes, I know a few people who are.)**

**The rest of my readers (If you really exist… ;mopes in a corner;): Please review! You seriously make my day! And I seriously need more joyful happiness in my life! For the love of Royai, almost-crackfics, and good e-foodstuffs of your choice, PLEASE!**


	7. How to Date Riza Hawkeye

**The Roy Mustang Guide to Dates With Riza Hawkeye**

**A/N: Yes, I purposely waited to post. My Royai day present to you all: a new chapter-thingy! Again, OOC, but I've decided to pick my battles. If it's gonna come out OOC, nothing I do will change it. Well, I lied, but that's beside the point.**

Dates had to be more like casual get-togethers. Well, between military personnel, anyway. Nobody knew why there was that stupid fraternization rule, but it was there, and it was not going to be let up anytime soon.

So, as a first date, a casual walk in the park followed by Roy cooking dinner was decided upon, mostly because Roy had been treated to a great deal of Riza's baking. That, however, was only because he would sneak into her lunch when she was out of the office.

Then she had caught him one day and had sighed and mumbled something about just asking next time, though he received a mysterious invoice for several new targets at the firing range the next day. It seemed that rather than venting to him, she had vented on six targets, none of which were usable, let alone recognizable.

She really had not spoken to him much for the next few days until he had apologized for taking her cookies. When he had suggested making her food, she could not really say no and mean it.

Much as Roy would have liked to have seen Riza dressed up just for him (though really, she could wear just about anything and still be beautiful, as cliché as it sounded), it was not the right place for such things. Still, a casual skirt and shirt was very nice, and showed more curves than that stupid uniform.

He had met her in the park, as per their agreement, while she was walking Hayate. After a couple of times around the small pond at the center, they had slowly gone in the direction of Roy's apartment, looking not like a couple, but just friends.

Once there, Roy started working. He quickly prepared a salad and some noodles with a sauce –almost a stew- that had been passed down through his family, so he claimed. At any rate, it seemed edible, and she was hungry.

"Passable?" Roy asked, watching her expression carefully.

"You're not giving yourself more credit than is due?" Riza deadpanned. When Roy blanched, she rolled her eyes, a tiny smile forming. "I like it; don't worry so much."

"I worry because you're not like anyone else," Roy explained, "you know, obsessed with me being a hero and not giving a damn about my cooking. 'Course, I can take anyone else out to a restaurant, but everyone seems to think that you and I…"

"Lest you forget, we are," Riza reminded him gently.

Roy let a smile sneak onto his face. "Never thought the day would come when you'd say _that,_ did you?"

Riza let that one go simply with a look that said, _Don't make me seem desperate._ "Not really. And you?"

Not entirely prepared to be asked, and even kicking himself for _hoping_ that she would not ask, he stumbled over his words for a second or two. "Well… I… hoped. It was more kind of a 'come hell or high water, I'll find some way to do this' type of thing."

_Sounds like him. I have to remind myself that that's the attitude he applies to __**that**__ goal, too. And that's the attitude I have to have about helping him. I suppose this situation makes me more likely to help, but if that fails…_ Riza shuddered involuntarily.

"Are you alright?" Roy shot her a worried look.

"I'm fine. An unpleasant memory popped into my head, that's all," Riza explained.

Hayate had trotted over, though, and whined worriedly as he poked his nose into the hand that hung down to pet him.

"I'm fine," she assured the dog.

The dog did not let up for a moment, though. It took a couple pats and another reassurance, though by this point, she was not sure who she was reassuring: Hayate, Roy, or herself.

There was about five minutes of a silence that would have been awkward if they had not been eating. Still, the covert glances they snuck at each other, despite the fact that there was nobody else around to make fun of them for it, were enough to make them uncomfortable.

"So, what would you like to do?" Roy asked as they finished.

Riza began clearing the plates. "There doesn't seem to be much to do."

Roy followed her out to the kitchen. "Well, you're _not_ going to clean. The last time we mixed you and cleaning at my apartment, it didn't quite work."

"It won't happen again. How much trouble can I get into washing two plates?" Riza asked as she turned on the water and grabbed the sponge.

"Do you want me to take that as a dare?" Roy questioned suggestively, wrapping his arms around her from behind.

"Keep your hands where they are and I might consider it." Riza's voice stayed even enough, but, when Roy caught her reflection in the window, she looked a little pink.

"Yes ma'am," he murmured into her ear.

All things considered, he was patient, though he knew that he would get shot (or slapped or yelled at, or something) if he was not. It was then that he realized that if he kept his hands where they were, it would not be a dare. He cursed mentally, but knew that if he was going to go anywhere with this, it was going to be at her pace, not his. It was not that he wanted sex then and there (at least, not enough to make it a problem), but it was frustrating to be in the situation they were in.

She turned around inside his grasp, signifying that she was done. Noticing the expression on his face, she asked, "Roy, is something wrong?"

"It can't be helped- don't worry." Roy pulled her into a kiss, banishing the thought from his mind. Anyway, if there was one girl he had ever wanted to get this frustrated over, it was her. Riza Hawkeye, the most capable, attractive, wonderful, and, yes, _caring_ woman he had met was very worth it.

**END!**

**A/N: Please review! It makes me happy to see the hit counter go up, but I want to know what you think! I'm not psychic, I'm not a psychiatrist, and I'm not a brain surgeon. You need to let me know what's going through your head when you read this! Even if it's random, like that you... dunno... like baking ham... or something.**

**OMAKE TIME! My big bro came up with the framework for this one. It's lame, I know, but it was funny at the time!**

**Random guy: Whoa. Hawkeye's **_**hot**_

**Roy: (Pissed off) And you're gonna be even hotter! (Snaps)**

**R.G.: (Runs away, squealing and on fire)**


	8. How to Pretend Everything's Normal

**The Roy Mustang Guide To Pretending Everything's Normal**

Roy considered himself to be able to do a great number of things correctly and well. He was a military man, after all.

Maybe the reason he was having trouble doing his work today, though, was that Riza Hawkeye was sitting right in the next room. It helped some that he could not see her, but then it made him wonder what she was doing.

He groaned and wilted onto his desk. "I just can't win…" he whined. "Maybe I should take a break…"

* * *

IN THE ADJOINING ROOM 

Havoc was at his wit's end. He _really_ wanted details, but Riza was very able to deny any goings-on with a straight face. It was downright unnerving.

As he opened his mouth to flat-out accuse, he heard a familiar _click_ that signaled trouble.

"Second Lieutenant Havoc, you're annoying me. A lot."

Havoc sighed. "I didn't want it to have to come to this," he began threateningly.

"To come to _what_, exactly?" Riza did not bother glaring. Whatever it was, it would not work.

"You'll see after lunch," was his only response.

* * *

AFTER LUNCH 

Stringent as she could be, Riza would not deter the men from after-lunch chats unless said chats lasted longer than an hour. She enjoyed listening, and it made it easier to pay attention and know what the question being asked of her was.

When she got back to the office, the only person there was Roy, and he was not really doing anything. Something was up.

"You didn't drag them back?" he asked.

"They left before me," she replied.

A knock sounded on the door.

As was her duty, Riza went to open the door. A cute little brunette with a bust that _had_ to cause her back pain rushed in, sending Riza back a step so that she was not run over.

"I can't believe I've finally got a chance at you!" she screamed, hanging herself over Roy. "You're just as perfect as I'd imagined!"

Roy was having a hard time prying her off. This girl's grip was _strong._ She could not be a normal human! "Um… do I know you? And would you please get off me?"

"No, and no!" she chirped. "I'm Meghan Lind."

"And what brings you here?" Riza asked coolly.

"Can'cha tell? Or are you just that out of it? Perfect guy right here!" Meghan squealed. "I can't wait to go out tonight!"

Roy looked confused. "Wait… _what?_"

Meghan let go and stepped back. "You _are_ taking me out tonight, aren't you?"

"Not that I'm aware of," Roy admitted.

"But you're free, aren't you?" Meghan looked confused. "I thought you were. I haven't seen you with any girls lately, so I just assumed…"

"Well, I'm not free," Roy told her. "I've got someone."

Meghan stamped her foot and pouted, only serving to make her look ridiculous. "Who is it, then?"

"Is my life really that out in the open?" Roy was getting annoyed. "Who says you're going to get to know? It's not you, so I don't see why I should tell you."

Meghan backed toward the door. "I see… I didn't know that the _women_ in Central weren't enough for you. I guess that explains a lot about why you're so popular with them!" She rushed out, sobbing.

Roy and Riza turned to exchange glances when laughter echoed in from outside the room. Suddenly, Meghan's loud shriek, a _SMACK!_, and Havoc's very distinctive, _**"**__**OW!**__**"**_ floated in, followed by more laughter.

It all became clear then.

* * *

TEN MINUTES LATER

When everyone had had a chance to explain their part in all of the events, Roy decided their punishment.

He did not tell them beforehand, of course.

Riza had quietly moved over by the door, so as to get out of the way. She had seen the way his hand had twitched, and that could mean only one thing…

The men's screaming put Meghan's to shame, and they all walked out that day sporting blackened hair and a few other lessons.

When Maes asked Riza and Roy, who did not have injuries and thus had to remain in the office, what had happened, Roy smiled. "They decided to play with fire. They got burned."

"That's not the entire story, is it?" Maes wondered aloud. "I don't suppose you're going to tell me what happened, either." He sighed and walked out. "G'night, and Roy, if that shrieking earlier had anything to do with this, make sure that's not your wife!"

"Don't worry, Maes!" Roy called after him. "Way ahead of you!"

"So, are you prepared to face that now?" Riza asked. "Honestly, I was just waiting for something like it to happen."

"That explains why you didn't step in more than you did," Roy muttered. "I needed the help, you know."

Riza raised her eyebrows. "Wouldn't that give it all away?"

Roy smirked. "I think most people would be too shell-shocked to remember. According to Havoc-"

Putting a hand up to stop him, Riza stated, "I get it. I don't want to, but, being around you so much, I get it."

"Aren't you glad you're around me so much?" Roy tried to give her puppy eyes.

Riza sighed. "I suppose I am, now don't pout. Anything but pouting, please."

The smirk returned. "Anything?"

"Within reason," was the reply.

"Screw 'within reason'," Roy whispered as he leaned in.

Allowing him to kiss her for no more than the blink of an eye, Riza pulled away. "No you don't. Not in plain sight, you don't."

Roy looked toward the corner of the office, but got a glare in response. "Fine. Your house. Half an hour. Good?"

With an all-too-innocent grin, Riza grabbed her coat. "Excellent." She walked out the door.

Not wanting to break _this_ deadline, Roy grabbed his coat and hurried after her. Maybe he could get a ride…

**END**

**A/N: If there is a Meghan Lind out there, I didn't mean to take your name, I swear! I just made her up on the spot.**

**And, if any of your minds are in the gutter after this one, GET THEM OUT! I DIDN'T MEAN THE LAST FEW LINES _THAT_ WAY! Sorry, but I have two older brothers, a lot of guy cousins, and a few guy friends. I know what can happen when you hear one thing and assume another.**


	9. How to Impress Riza Hawkeye

**The Roy Mustang Guide to Impressing Riza Hawkeye**

Those who knew Riza Hawkeye knew it was hard to impress her. Charming her was a different issue entirely, and more people could do that, but charm alone rarely got anybody more than a polite –but sincere- smile.

As this was the case, Roy knew he had to impress her, and thoroughly.

It would not be flowers, or trying to get a lay out of her._ That _was _not_ impressive. What would be impressive would be making her so emotional that she cried, and doing so in a way that would make those tears joyful.

First, he would get to work early –_very_ early- and do all of his work. He would not complain, and would even quiet the men if he heard them complaining. He might even help her if she was bogged down. After all, he had mastered the illegible squiggle that most of them –Riza included, shockingly enough- used. Then he would take her out for dinner. It was Roy's best idea by far.

That was why, when he found out she was sick after he had finished his work in record time, he was in a bad mood. A _very_ bad mood. He had just slaved the whole morning and had kept the men quiet, and for what? Still, that had not stopped him from grabbing papers from her desk and initialing them, as well. Nobody would ever know, after all. Havoc and Fuery had even grabbed small stacks, themselves. An overworked Hawkeye was very scary to be around, and with the unusually large amount of work that she had been given, she would be in the office long after she was due to leave.

* * *

Having left at a decent hour (in fact, at only five in the evening), Roy decided to change and go visit Riza. He did not want the day's efforts to go to waste. 

It took her nearly a minute to reach the door, and Roy could see that she barely looked in any shape to be up. By his estimate, this would cost her a few days of work.

"How are you?" he asked softly.

Riza shook her head. "Not good. I have a fever and I've been nauseous all day. That's it, but that doesn't make it any better."

"How does some toast sound? You need something." Roy went to the small kitchen.

"Did you get your work done today?" Riza wanted to know.

Roy smiled, unseen by Riza. "Yeah. I was actually hoping to take you out tonight after I finished. Instead, I'm rescheduling the date for when you're well again."

"If you want to do that, you'll have to wait a few weeks. I'll have work to do when I get back, you know. As quickly as I seem to work, it'll still take a while. Sorry," she apologized.

"No need to be sorry- you can't help this. And actually, Havoc and Fuery and I got most of your work from today done, so it should be alright." Roy started to boil some water for tea.

Riza stared at him. "You finished your work _and _did some of mine?"

Roy nodded. "Can't stick you with all that when you get back, now then, can I?"

"Roy…" her eyes filled for a moment. "Thank you."

"No problem. I think getting my work done is more fun, anyway," he half-joked, presenting her with the toast. "Tea'll be ready in a minute."

The tears stayed in her eyes, no matter how many times she tried to wipe them away. Riza finally gave up and, as Roy returned with the tea, he saw a few drops _plink!_ into her cup. "Riza… What's wrong?"

"Nothing- I'm fine. I just thought I'd have a whole pile when I got back to work, and to know that you did this for me… I'm truly grateful to you." She took a sip. "Is there some way I can make this up to you?"

"Just keep on doing what you do. I'm picking up my slack. Maybe it'll help." He shrugged. "I didn't even know you were sick until after I finished my work, anyway. I was concerned, but I knew that if you showed up and I wasn't working, you wouldn't be happy. I don't like it… you not being happy."

Riza had silently cried through all of this, and now she choked out a small sob. Her teacup sat forgotten on her bedside table, another token of what Roy felt for her. In a larger display, he sat gingerly on the edge of her bed and carefully put his arms around her, stroking her back. "About damn time, huh?"

"I guess," Riza giggled against him. Pushing away, she wiped her eyes. "Do you need to leave?"

Looking at the clock, Roy nodded slowly. "I need to get back up tomorrow. Gotta do that again. I guess it was kinda… well… I don't mind it so much." He looked over. Riza was already asleep. He stroked her cheek affectionately. "I love you, Riza."

**A/N: I'm sorry! I haven't updated in nearly two weeks! My parents have been away, so I've been with relatives. I haven't had much time to be on the internet, and this one was actually a long time in coming! I'm so sorry!**

**Oh- and I put the name "Meghan Lind" into Google (see last chapter if you haven't already). It came back with 4 pages of hits! Apparently, there are quite a few out there!**

**Keep on reviewing! The next one is the last one... "The Roy Mustang Guide to A Happy Ending"!**


	10. How to Live Happily Ever After

**The Roy Mustang Guide to a Happy Ending**

**(aka: The Roy Mustang Guide to Lighting Fireworks)**

It was Founding Day, a federal holiday in which all the Amestrisans celebrated the founding of their country.

Mid-afternoon was the popular time to meet at parks for fireworks displays. Roy, Riza, Havoc, Maes and his family, Breda, Fuery, and Falman all met in the same park where they had been drenched not so long ago. They picnicked all afternoon, with Maes making sure to snap pictures every few milliseconds.

Riza and Gracia had engaged in a lively conversation about married life and how Riza was nearly to the point that, if she did not settle soon, she probably would not ever settle.

As it got dark, Maes snapped pictures left and right of Elysia waving sparklers as if to write something in the air, He even convinced a passerby to take a picture of all the military officers holding sparklers.

At last, it was time for the big show. Everyone pulled out blankets and pulled on the jackets that had been shed in the day's heat to watch the excellent display. But there was just one problem… nobody had matches or a lighter.

Roy stood to take care of the problem. He pulled a glove from his jacket pocket and snapped.

Nothing.

He snapped again.

Same as before.

Snapping violently, Roy tried in vain to light the fireworks, at one point even screaming, "Light, damn you, _light!_" until he heard a quiet cough behind him. He turned to see Riza holding up gloves with the usual red array on them.

"Looking for these?" she asked innocently with only a hint of mischief. "I suspected this would happen."

Roy stared first at the blank back of the glove on his hand, then at her. "H-how did you…?"

"You left your coat alone, sir. It wasn't that hard," she explained.

"Give them back," Roy ordered.

"With all due respect, no way in hell are you getting them back, Sir," Riza retorted.

Roy's eyes narrowed and he removed the glove he had on. Taking a step toward her, he commanded again, "Give them back, Lieutenant; that's an order."

Riza quickly pocketed the gloves. "Not until those fireworks are lit."

"You don't have a gun on you. Not at a function this public," Roy scoffed.

Raising her eyebrows, Riza smirked. "Do you really want to take that chance?"

Sighing, Roy returned to the blanket. "Fine. I'll be a good boy."

* * *

The fireworks had finally started when Roy felt something land in his lap. He picked up his spark gloves.

"You're no longer a danger to me or anyone else, yourself included, so I decided to give them back," Riza said from beside him. "You didn't see what was going to happen, did you?"

"I can control fire just fine!" Roy mumbled.

"What happened at Elysia's party, then?"

Roy looked at the ground. "I was hoping that at least someone had forgotten."

Riza sighed. "I make a point _not_ to forget. Knowing your habits makes life that much easier for me."

"Are you saying I'm predictable?" Roy looked put out by the implication.

"To a certain point, yes, actually," Riza replied. "You still manage to surprise me on occasion, though. You get your work done on time, you take care of me when I'm sick, you ask me out on dates… I'm still getting used to the timing of things."

Roy let out a breath he had not realized he had been holding and smiled. "I'm glad to know I'm still _something _of a mystery to you."

"I'll figure you out yet." Riza turned to watch the fireworks. "In the mean time, I think I'll just sit back and watch the display."

Not content with this in the least, and wanting to surprise her yet again, Roy leaned over and kissed her. He was not sure exactly what she would do, but her reaction of pulling back was not the most surprising.

"Do you want to become Führer or not?" she asked quietly, trying to attract no attention whatsoever.

"Look around. Nobody who matters is here. I do occasionally make smart choices, you know."

Riza sighed. "Sorry. It's just that I'd hate to see all that work go to waste."

Roy shrugged. "I'll get there somehow, and once I do, that damned fraternization rule is going out the window, and not a second to soon. Nobody obeys it, anyway."

"You can wait that long?" she asked.

Smirking, Roy replied, "As long as I've got you, I'll be fine."

Riza had to smile. "Flirt. You know it'll get you next to nowhere with me."

"Next to nowhere isn't nowhere," Roy reasoned, leaning in.

"Exactly." Riza let him kiss her this time, pressing back when she deemed necessary.

Ten feet away, as Elysia watched the colorful bursts of light in the sky with captive eyes, Gracia and Maes were sneaking glances out of the corners of their eyes.

"-Making fireworks of their own. Let 'em be," they heard Breda mutter to Havoc and Fuery, the former looking more interested than he should have been and the latter looking concerned.

When the pair needed breath, they pulled away and both looked skyward. Roy's arms slid around Riza's waist, and she willingly leaned back to rest against him, placing her hands over his.

"I love you, Riza," he murmured just loud enough for her to hear.

In the same volume, she whispered back, "I love you, Roy."

**THE END!**

**A/N: Ah! 'Tis the last chapter! If I decide to throw in an omake or something, I think I'll just post it as a oneshot that will refer to the RMGTL. Sorry it took so long- I had my wisdom teeth out and was out of it for a while, and this wasn't quite done… -(sweatdrops)-**

**So, thanks, once again, to all of my reviewers! **

**Azilie, Silvery Mist, winglessfairy25, i'llwait, False-Image, OTP, Danelle, Sabrielle, E. Mahiru, unheardgoodconscience, HunTResS ARasHi, Kurissyma san Tybalt, Firing Rockets on Dragons, xxOathkeeper, Last.Alchemist.Standing, Your favorite plushie, Water Alchemist Rinoa Hawkeye, ItsTeotwawki, Akki45, thalasa, XO vampires XO, causmicfire… YOU GUYS ALL ROCK! -(sniffs)-**

**And the REST of you who DON'T review… Please! I'm beggin' ya! I wanna know what works and what doesn't. PLEASE REVIEW! I'll try to reply to each one!**


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